Zee Wednesday, June 9th, 2010
Don't you just hate bald old gits trying to lead the way!? This is FIFA President Sepp Blatter fyi. Twat.
Groups E & F hold some really special (European!) teams, who may not seem as obvious threats to the naked eye. But this is the World Cup baby! It's just like how Bush wasn't popular choice for President but managed to worm his way in somehow...The Italians can take this analogy. NO ONE likes you apart from your own, you're a minority and you win it. Don't be shocked if these cheating assholes go far again. They have a knack of diving or even dying and coming back to life (ask Materazzi) on the pitch. This isn't commitment. It's pure shit. Check out Netherlands as well - a slightly fairer team known for some of the most gifted players on earth, and then you have the darkhorses in Denmark and Classy Cameroon. Will their qualifying solidity show in the finals though!?
Group E:
Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Cameroon.
NETHERLANDS-
The Dutch are known for, in the most part, their breathtaking football and the pure array of talent at their disposal to somehow make this total brand of football work everytime they qualify. However, and Arsenal FC fans will sympathise here, only great football doesn't win you trophies, its about teamwork and a balance. With Holland's solid backline dead and buried, and their attack getting even better, scoring goals won't be an issue. Infact, expect a goal of the tournament contender. I like the Dutch. They have alotta in-fighting but they're so pleasing on the eye that you just want them to be solid at the back and go through. Entertainment is guaranteed, and going forward, you're looking at soccer's Harlem Globetrotters. Hopefully the coach van Marwijk has worked on defences as well. This array of talent has its superior members...Arsenal striker ROBIN van PERSIE should be going for SA2010's Golden Boot as top scorer. His great record at International level is down to his sledge-hammer of a left foot, as well as his strength, his deliveries and his ability to curl and angle the ball the exact way that he wants it to. I mean the boys been tutored by Dennis Bergkamp, so what do you expect!? He'll be supported from his midfield buddy WESLEY SNEIJDER has had an amazing season with Inter Milan in Italy winning the UEFA Champions League, Italian League and Cup, scoring most of the goals on the way. Powerful winger ARJEN ROBBEN may be an injury doubt but don't count on it, he'll want to match his awesome club form on the World stage. These boys will go through, and dependent on a solid defence, could go far.
VERDICT: Potentially an 'Oranje' Summer!
Robin van Persie will spearhead the sublime Dutch frontline in South Africa. Will the Dutch have a huge influence in South Africa again!?
DENMARK-Morten Olson's outfit are without a doubt the best team in Scandinavia, but unfortunately the world doesn't revolve around Vikings anymore. They did well in their qualification Group, and pipped close rivals Norway and Sweden to a World Cup birth, but they'll struggle against the technical superiority of the Dutch and the spirited football of the Cameroonians. However, with young fresh talent such as Arsenal striker NICKLAS BENDTNER (hoping he recovers well enough!), the cocky git should aim for the net and some goals and not Row Z as he does for his club. He'll score a few. Also, look out for Palermo Centre-Back SIMON KJAER. The 21 year old could just play himself into a transfer at another top European club, so will try to help his team to as much progress as he can. Unfortunately, Denmark are in a tough-ass group. So 2 fresh pairs of legs can only carry so many oldies. They'll beat Japan as a consolation, but the Danes will be going home early.
VERDICT: A Summer of Dis-Dane.
Bendtner concentrates, Kjaer laughs along, but the jokes on Denmark.
JAPAN-The Japs will finish bottom of Group E. The tenacity of their Group members will prove too much for them. That's not out to dis the Japanese, its just that they're SHIT compared to Netherlands, Cameroon etc. They actually have some hotshot players. SHUNSUKE NAKAMURA, who's had European experience before is the old-head at 31 that will provide any flair that the 'Samurai-Blues' can produce. Junichi Inamoto is an old fart even in eyes of the Japanese now, but KEIJI TAMADA will chip in, literally, with a few goals, potentially.
VERDICT: Bombed-home in quick fashion.
One man fuck-up: Nakamura will find it hard in Africa
CAMEROON- Now we're getting somewhere. It's strange how these boys were bottom seed for this Group, but we all know that Sepp Blatter's an a.hole. Consistent performers in the Africa Cup on Nations, they have a knack of producing World Class quality. Cameroon will most likely, barring an absolutely dismal campaign, finish 2nd to the classy Dutch in Group E. And guess what - they have a player known to the world! Inter Milan's hotshot striker SAMUEL ETO'O has been there and done it with the World's best - winning the Champions League and loads'a other shit with FC Barcelona and Real Madrid. He's sick at International level too. Find me a better finisher in World Football and I'll tell you to shut up. Because there ain't none! He's joined by Arsenal rookie-turned superboy ALEXANDRE SONG. The eyes and ears of the team, nothing gets passed him. He's strong, hard in the tackle, and is an amazing header of the ball. Second place finish and an assured place in the last 16.
VERDICT: Sam'll be bangin' Song's in Africa 'yo!
Samuel Eto'o (#9) will be helped by homeboy Alex Song (#6) to the last 16.
Group E Final Standings PREDICTIONS:
1. Netherlands
2. Cameroon 3. Denmark 4. Japan
Group F:
Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia...
ITALY-Cheats. Why do they always get drawn into the most fucking easiest groups ever? Even with a shit squad compared to their 2006 fluke, they'll need to be at their diving, crappy best. I find it hard to talk about a team of babies without experience looking to retain a world title, but I think that the World is relieved that hate-figure Marco-Fuckwit-Materazzi is not in the squad. Asshole. Probably still hasn't recovered from that bullet-header by Zidane, probably the best header of his career! Legend!
I do think that some Italians have genuine quality however, but only a couple. Old-boy ANDREA PIRLO of AC Milano will be the midfield lynchpin, finding those great passes, taking awesome free-kicks, and creating opportunities for a frankly SHITE frontline. FABIO CANNAVARO won't be lifting the gold again, thank God. He's not bad at the back though, but not great either. But he's still the only one that retains the Italian-hardman image. GENNARO GATTUSO will compensate for a lack of attacking creativity by shutting shop and making it hard for the Italians to concede. They'll go through, they may get luck again and go far. But hopefully the bribing will stop and Italy will lose their crown!!
VERDICT: Old-lady luck plays tricks on Italia
Gattuso and Cannavaro will have to work as a team to retain their crown. Fat chance!
PARAGUAY-
another team that makes up the numbers in this tournament, Paraguay will actually get through to the last 16 this time, but that's all. And that's only because they'll shit on Slovakia and New Zealand. Heck, even I could do that! ROQUE SANTA CRUZ of Manchester City, whos had a poor season only due to a lack of opportunites will head the attack, and lets not forget that Paraguay belong to South America - so even players that no one knows about will play some really good football, in a passionate manner. Just a shame that this won't work against the better sides. OSCAR CARDOZO who plays in Portugal with Benfica will also be a goalscoring threat. He'll get his glory against NZ and the like!
VERDICT: Santa hates the summertime!
Roque Santa Cruz is a great striker. But Paraguay are not a great footballing nation.
NEW ZEALAND!- wow, they actually made it to the finals! Kudos! But the less said, the better. Probably because I, like the rest of you, didn't even know that they played football! It'll be Pakistan in the World Cup next! Shit! So they'll finish last just because they're not at the level of the rest of the world in terms of football. It's just that God was smiling down at Oceania this time round! Okay, lets not hate too much. Captain RYAN NELSEN does play for Blackburn Rovers FC in the Premier League, the best league in the World, but this is an extremely average team. They'll join Greece and South Africa in early, slightly embarrasing exits.
VERDICT: the silence of the Lambs.
Ryan Nelsen leads from the back. He'll have his work cut out
SLOVAKIA- They're known for their rough and physical football. But there's not much place for that, and in the end, them on the World Stage. Having not even been close to the last 3 World Cups, Solvakia will play with pride and will come with a good supporters-base. They're a pretty passionate and hardcore nation. Maybe their fans should play their football! Liverpool FC flop MARTIN ŠKRTEL will be one of the only known figures and will beat strikers up, literally. This won't really be enough though. MIROSLAV STOCH of Chelsea FC is a young prospect with determination combined with tricks and flicks, but not this time for the Slovaks. Maybe it wasn't that bad being joined with the Czechs! Oh wait, they're not here this time either!
VERDICT: Slakin' Slovaks.
Škrtel and Stoch (back) will be the headline-grabbers in a depth-lacking squad
Group F Final Standings PREDICTIONS:
1. Italy
2. Paraguay 3. Slovakia 4. New Zealand
TOMORROW: The last of these shitty Previews: Groups G & H!
Don't you just hate bald old gits trying to lead the way!? This is FIFA President Sepp Blatter fyi. Twat.
Groups E & F hold some really special (European!) teams, who may not seem as obvious threats to the naked eye. But this is the World Cup baby! It's just like how Bush wasn't popular choice for President but managed to worm his way in somehow...The Italians can take this analogy. NO ONE likes you apart from your own, you're a minority and you win it. Don't be shocked if these cheating assholes go far again. They have a knack of diving or even dying and coming back to life (ask Materazzi) on the pitch. This isn't commitment. It's pure shit. Check out Netherlands as well - a slightly fairer team known for some of the most gifted players on earth, and then you have the darkhorses in Denmark and Classy Cameroon. Will their qualifying solidity show in the finals though!?
Group E:
Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Cameroon.
NETHERLANDS- The Dutch are known for, in the most part, their breathtaking football and the pure array of talent at their disposal to somehow make this total brand of football work everytime they qualify. However, and Arsenal FC fans will sympathise here, only great football doesn't win you trophies, its about teamwork and a balance. With Holland's solid backline dead and buried, and their attack getting even better, scoring goals won't be an issue. Infact, expect a goal of the tournament contender. I like the Dutch. They have alotta in-fighting but they're so pleasing on the eye that you just want them to be solid at the back and go through. Entertainment is guaranteed, and going forward, you're looking at soccer's Harlem Globetrotters. Hopefully the coach van Marwijk has worked on defences as well. This array of talent has its superior members...Arsenal striker ROBIN van PERSIE should be going for SA2010's Golden Boot as top scorer. His great record at International level is down to his sledge-hammer of a left foot, as well as his strength, his deliveries and his ability to curl and angle the ball the exact way that he wants it to. I mean the boys been tutored by Dennis Bergkamp, so what do you expect!? He'll be supported from his midfield buddy WESLEY SNEIJDER has had an amazing season with Inter Milan in Italy winning the UEFA Champions League, Italian League and Cup, scoring most of the goals on the way. Powerful winger ARJEN ROBBEN may be an injury doubt but don't count on it, he'll want to match his awesome club form on the World stage. These boys will go through, and dependent on a solid defence, could go far.
VERDICT: Potentially an 'Oranje' Summer!
Robin van Persie will spearhead the sublime Dutch frontline in South Africa. Will the Dutch have a huge influence in South Africa again!?
DENMARK-Morten Olson's outfit are without a doubt the best team in Scandinavia, but unfortunately the world doesn't revolve around Vikings anymore. They did well in their qualification Group, and pipped close rivals Norway and Sweden to a World Cup birth, but they'll struggle against the technical superiority of the Dutch and the spirited football of the Cameroonians. However, with young fresh talent such as Arsenal striker NICKLAS BENDTNER (hoping he recovers well enough!), the cocky git should aim for the net and some goals and not Row Z as he does for his club. He'll score a few. Also, look out for Palermo Centre-Back SIMON KJAER. The 21 year old could just play himself into a transfer at another top European club, so will try to help his team to as much progress as he can. Unfortunately, Denmark are in a tough-ass group. So 2 fresh pairs of legs can only carry so many oldies. They'll beat Japan as a consolation, but the Danes will be going home early. VERDICT: A Summer of Dis-Dane.
Bendtner concentrates, Kjaer laughs along, but the jokes on Denmark.
JAPAN-The Japs will finish bottom of Group E. The tenacity of their Group members will prove too much for them. That's not out to dis the Japanese, its just that they're SHIT compared to Netherlands, Cameroon etc. They actually have some hotshot players. SHUNSUKE NAKAMURA, who's had European experience before is the old-head at 31 that will provide any flair that the 'Samurai-Blues' can produce. Junichi Inamoto is an old fart even in eyes of the Japanese now, but KEIJI TAMADA will chip in, literally, with a few goals, potentially. VERDICT: Bombed-home in quick fashion.
One man fuck-up: Nakamura will find it hard in Africa
CAMEROON- Now we're getting somewhere. It's strange how these boys were bottom seed for this Group, but we all know that Sepp Blatter's an a.hole. Consistent performers in the Africa Cup on Nations, they have a knack of producing World Class quality. Cameroon will most likely, barring an absolutely dismal campaign, finish 2nd to the classy Dutch in Group E. And guess what - they have a player known to the world! Inter Milan's hotshot striker SAMUEL ETO'O has been there and done it with the World's best - winning the Champions League and loads'a other shit with FC Barcelona and Real Madrid. He's sick at International level too. Find me a better finisher in World Football and I'll tell you to shut up. Because there ain't none! He's joined by Arsenal rookie-turned superboy ALEXANDRE SONG. The eyes and ears of the team, nothing gets passed him. He's strong, hard in the tackle, and is an amazing header of the ball. Second place finish and an assured place in the last 16.VERDICT: Sam'll be bangin' Song's in Africa 'yo!
Samuel Eto'o (#9) will be helped by homeboy Alex Song (#6) to the last 16.
Group E Final Standings PREDICTIONS:
1. Netherlands
2. Cameroon 3. Denmark 4. Japan
Group F:
Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia...
ITALY-Cheats. Why do they always get drawn into the most fucking easiest groups ever? Even with a shit squad compared to their 2006 fluke, they'll need to be at their diving, crappy best. I find it hard to talk about a team of babies without experience looking to retain a world title, but I think that the World is relieved that hate-figure Marco-Fuckwit-Materazzi is not in the squad. Asshole. Probably still hasn't recovered from that bullet-header by Zidane, probably the best header of his career! Legend! I do think that some Italians have genuine quality however, but only a couple. Old-boy ANDREA PIRLO of AC Milano will be the midfield lynchpin, finding those great passes, taking awesome free-kicks, and creating opportunities for a frankly SHITE frontline. FABIO CANNAVARO won't be lifting the gold again, thank God. He's not bad at the back though, but not great either. But he's still the only one that retains the Italian-hardman image. GENNARO GATTUSO will compensate for a lack of attacking creativity by shutting shop and making it hard for the Italians to concede. They'll go through, they may get luck again and go far. But hopefully the bribing will stop and Italy will lose their crown!!
VERDICT: Old-lady luck plays tricks on Italia
Gattuso and Cannavaro will have to work as a team to retain their crown. Fat chance!
PARAGUAY- another team that makes up the numbers in this tournament, Paraguay will actually get through to the last 16 this time, but that's all. And that's only because they'll shit on Slovakia and New Zealand. Heck, even I could do that! ROQUE SANTA CRUZ of Manchester City, whos had a poor season only due to a lack of opportunites will head the attack, and lets not forget that Paraguay belong to South America - so even players that no one knows about will play some really good football, in a passionate manner. Just a shame that this won't work against the better sides. OSCAR CARDOZO who plays in Portugal with Benfica will also be a goalscoring threat. He'll get his glory against NZ and the like!
VERDICT: Santa hates the summertime!
Roque Santa Cruz is a great striker. But Paraguay are not a great footballing nation.
NEW ZEALAND!- wow, they actually made it to the finals! Kudos! But the less said, the better. Probably because I, like the rest of you, didn't even know that they played football! It'll be Pakistan in the World Cup next! Shit! So they'll finish last just because they're not at the level of the rest of the world in terms of football. It's just that God was smiling down at Oceania this time round! Okay, lets not hate too much. Captain RYAN NELSEN does play for Blackburn Rovers FC in the Premier League, the best league in the World, but this is an extremely average team. They'll join Greece and South Africa in early, slightly embarrasing exits. VERDICT: the silence of the Lambs.
Ryan Nelsen leads from the back. He'll have his work cut out
SLOVAKIA- They're known for their rough and physical football. But there's not much place for that, and in the end, them on the World Stage. Having not even been close to the last 3 World Cups, Solvakia will play with pride and will come with a good supporters-base. They're a pretty passionate and hardcore nation. Maybe their fans should play their football! Liverpool FC flop MARTIN ŠKRTEL will be one of the only known figures and will beat strikers up, literally. This won't really be enough though. MIROSLAV STOCH of Chelsea FC is a young prospect with determination combined with tricks and flicks, but not this time for the Slovaks. Maybe it wasn't that bad being joined with the Czechs! Oh wait, they're not here this time either!VERDICT: Slakin' Slovaks.
Škrtel and Stoch (back) will be the headline-grabbers in a depth-lacking squad
Group F Final Standings PREDICTIONS:
1. Italy
2. Paraguay 3. Slovakia 4. New Zealand
TOMORROW: The last of these shitty Previews: Groups G & H!
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